Why is it so hard to say “No” & how to practice

The difficulty of saying “No” has come up again and again with my clients, so I thought I would take a little time to explore what happens to us when we have to choose between “yes” and “no.” Below, you’ll find suggestions on improving your “No” skills.

First, why is “No” so hard to say?

• Socialization. Think about it; what are we socialized to say? From the time we are born through a lifetime in the workplace, we are put in situations (with parents, with teachers, with managers) where the only acceptable answer is “Yes.” My sense is that our ability to use “No” gets increasingly compromised over time.
• Fear of conflict. Most of us are conflict averse and fear other people’s anger. Most people I’ve met would much rather say “Yes” no matter how uncomfortable, deal with the consequences,  and move on than have to explain themselves and potentially get in an argument.
• Fear of appearing or becoming selfish. There’s a perception that putting yourself first means you’re selfish, and if you start saying “No,” who knows what you’ll do next, be first at the buffet line?
• Fear of hurt feelings. “No” feels much more complicated than “Yes.” We hate to disappoint others, and make them feel bad.
• It’s awkward. There’s a lot of reasons why “No” might be appropriate, but it’s awkward to perhaps have to explain what’s happening in our lives.
• Knowing you won’t be heard is discouraging. What’s the point in saying “No” when you know that your answer won’t be respected, and you’ll be over-ruled anyway.
• Fear of being misperceived as uncooperative or aggressive. There isn’t a lot of education about the distinction between assertive communication and aggressive communication, and the two are often assumed to be the same.
• Many of us have trouble expressing our needs and balancing them with the needs of the people we care about.
• Venturing into the unknown. Like any new skill set, this one takes time and practice, and can feel a little daunting at first.

How to strengthen your “No”:

• First, practice checking-in with yourself when you are asked a question. Regardless of your actual answer, what does that quiet inner voice really think?
• Second, slow down your decision-making process. According to Forbes, Warren Buffett says, “We need to learn the slow ‘yes’ and the quick ‘no.’” Give yourself time to really think about the ask.
• Take some time to journal daily about your Yeses and your Nos. Understand your primary motivations in agreeing. Do you notice any trends?
• Think it through past the initial discomfort. Can you revisit one of your “Yes” decisions and play out what would have happened if you had said “No”? If you had said “No” what would have happened to you, and what would have happened to the person who asked? Would your relationship have endured? How much damage would have really occurred? Where would you be today?
• Assume others are resilient (just like you). Most of the time, we weather challenges much better than we would ever have anticipated.
• Read up on the differences between assertive and aggressive communication (see below).
• Conduct experiments–start practicing saying “No” instead of “Yes,” with very small, simple asks, just to get used to saying the word out loud. After each “No,” reflect on the experience and its fallout. Was it easier or harder than you thought, and why? (This is a classic cognitive behavior therapy approach.)
• Create a ladder of progressively harder “No” experiences. Come up with the easiest “No” you might be able to say to a stranger, and then come up with progressively slightly harder “No” experiments. It might start with saying “No” to an offer of a beverage. It might progress over time to saying “No” to a friend over some minor request. It might end with saying “No” to a family member or a partner over a slightly more important request. (This is a behavioral approach: to let you experience a change in behavior, and help you realize it’s not as hard as you thought.)

No takes practice.  But it’s a skill we all can improve in. 

(This is my first take on the subject of “No,” but I’ll be looking on the web for other perspectives and adding them in over time. And one aside: At first glance [and google search] there’s a lot more coverage of the importance in business of learning to say “No” than there is discussion of it in our private lives. )

Here are some other takes on the topic:

“Why Is It Hard to Say “No” and How Can You Get Better At It?” from Psychology Today

“Why Is It So Hard for Me to Say No?” from GoodTherapy.org

“6 Quotes To Help You Understand Why It’s Important To Say No” from Forbes

“Why Is it So Hard to Say ‘No’?” a video from the Wall Street Journal

“This Is Why It’s So Hard to Say No” from Real Simple

Some takes on assertive communication:

“How to Be Assertive, Not Aggressive” in the workplace, from Psychology Today