Just hopping on to say that I’ve been noticing a recurring phenomenon among my clients in the last two weeks: small personal setbacks feel overwhelming. I’m here to say, it’s not you. It’s the pandemic. I’m using the word pandemic as a shorthand for the multiple co-occurring crises that dominate the news: COVID 19, real time climate change, economic struggles, a vigorous social justice movement, and an exhausting election cycle. Not only have we hit the six month mark of constant crisis and are now suffering from total burnout from this sustained state of hyper vigilance, but, additionally, any personal setback feels like one weight too many on our backs.
We’re so steeped in multiple national crises that we forget how demanding the whole effort is on our nervous systems.
If we were seeing and hugging our friends regularly, any new bit of bad news would not be as devastating. We wouldn’t be feeling quite as untethered by work stress or by family problems.
It’s not you. It’s the pandemic.
The pandemic is draining us of some of our plentiful resilience. At this point, we are all somewhat under-resourced. We need a nap, a hug, a snack, some time with friendly faces, some time away from our pandemic roommates.
The low grade depression and anxiety that is sweeping the country is taking its slow, unrelenting toll.
We must maintain our lives as best we can:
Get some rest. Get out of the house and go for a walk in Fall sunshine. Call a friend (don’t video call, just call). Nourish our souls. Nourish our sense of purpose. Develop new skill sets, find some growth. Continue to celebrate the changing of the seasons and the fun holidays, like Halloween, however possible. Stay safe, stay healthy, wear a mask, wash your hands, and try to embody the values that matter most to you.
Our resilience will return, but it’s okay if this week we feel quite vulnerable and a bit precarious. Take a break. Forgive yourself for needing compassion. We all need kindness and rest.
It’s not you. It’s the pandemic.
Hang in there. It’s going to be (more or less) okay.
Another way to care for yourself is to make time to check-in with yourself at the beginning of the day, and at the end of the work day, when you still have a little time left to engage in self-care.
Before you start asking yourself questions, take a moment to take a few deep breaths and center yourself. Bring yourself back to the present instead of rushing ahead in your mind. Making time to acknowledge what you need, on many different levels, can help you prioritize how you use your time that day. The hope is that when you arrive at the end of the day, you feel a greater sense of satisfaction and purpose.
What does my heart need today? What’s my interior emotional tone? Am I calm, nervous, worried, a little worn down, or sad? Once you acknowledge your emotional tone, ask yourself: What would be the best thing I could do to support my heart today?
Should I make some time to be quiet by myself?
Would reading a good book help?
Should I reach out to someone I love who loves me back?
Pick something you can do for yourself and schedule it into your day.
What does my body need today?
Am I tired?
If you’re tired, make sleep a priority for three nights this week. Schedule your bedtime.
When was the last time I had some vegetables or ate some fruit?
If this question is hard to answer, make a point of adding something from the garden to your diet today.
When was the last time I exerted myself or went for a nice long walk?
Ask yourself, can I add a little more walking to my day? If so, when can I do it?
Did I make a date with myself to go to the gym, or take an exercise class?
Can I ask a friend to join me in a physical activity?
Protect your time, mark it in your calendar.
What does my spirit need today? Should I make time to meditate, to laugh, read an inspiring text, journal or pray? How can I connect with the divine or spiritual in my life today? If not today, then when this week?
If this is a personal priority. Treat it accordingly. Make time for it.
What does my mind need today? Is there a question or activity or task that my brain wants to take on? Am I craving excitement, information, accomplishment, or something else? Once you acknowledge your mind’s needs, decide whether you can make time to act on this desire.
I’m placing the mind lower on the list of priorities, because I believe that our U.S. culture prioritizes the mind, and puts the body, heart and spirit last–which is why I’ve inverted the order in this particular article.
At first, acknowledging these different aspects of yourself and making time for them might feel strange, or even selfish. But the more you nourish all the different pieces of your self, the more you will be able to give back to the people who share your life.
Rather than tell you what steps you should take to take care of yourself, I’m going to help you craft your own self-care plan. This approach allows your wisdom and expertise in the topic of you to shine through. With my approach you can engage your wisdom, resources, friends and mentors, body and spirit, to manage your well-being. Pick a calm day to do this activity. When you’re calm and centered you can think more clearly. The goal is to plan for a bad day when you’re having a good day, so you can prepare the path.
Red tugboat, Marlborough Sound, South Island, New Zealand
We don’t always have friends available to support us through our difficult moments in life. That doesn’t mean you can’t get some urgent relief when you’re feeling stressed or anxious.
Use your Senses
First step, do an inventory of ways you can use your senses to bring you joy, calm or comfort. It can be very helpful to know that there are many ways you can comfort yourself, on your own, when you need a little break, or some extra support as you go through your day.
Touch: List three things you like to touch. Maybe that’s a favorite blanket, a comfortable sweater, fuzzy slippers, a leather jacket or pajamas. Maybe it’s a silky garment. Make a plan to put one of these items on when you get home. If someone you trust is present, ask for a long hug. If you can, schedule a massage, or some acupuncture–or any other bodywork practice that helps you.
Taste: List three things you like to taste. Enjoy a spoonful of Nutella, or a square of your favorite chocolate. I like olive oil and salt on a piece of toast.
Smell: List three things you like to smell. It might be the smell of soil, the smell of grass, your favorite lotion, or the smell of books. I like the smell of Earl Grey Tea. Make an appointment with yourself to smell something nice.
Sight: Think about things you enjoy seeing. List at least three. Do you enjoy videos with puppies or kittens in them? Do you have a favorite movie that makes you laugh? Look at picture albums or favorite photos on your phone. Pick up a favorite book, or lookup famous quotes spoken by your heroes.
Hearing: Make a list of friends, mentors, or family members who are particularly kind and nurturing. Call one of them. Make a “calm playlist” and “joyful playlist” on your phone or computer. Make time to listen to your favorite song or soundtrack. Sing along.
Take time every day to give yourself a few moments of physical joy and comfort.
Use your Imagination
Wherever you go, your brain goes. Your mind is one of the most powerful tools at your disposal. Think back to a time and place in your life where you felt particularly safe and cared for. Where were you? If you can’t think of a particular memory that creates that safe, loved or joyful feeling, consider your dream vacation. Look up pictures of your dream destination. Take some time to imagine the following in detail. Really linger on each aspect of the picture you draw in your mind:
Where are you? Are you indoors or outdoors?
Are you alone? If not, who is there with you?
How much light is there? Is it a sunny day, are there any clouds in the sky? or nighttime?
Are you standing or sitting or doing something else?
What outfit are you wearing?
What can you hear?
What are you looking at?
What are you doing?
What is the feeling in your heart?
Does your body feel joyful or calm and settled?
Is there a particular smell in the air?
Take time every day to go on this mini vacation in your mind. (This practice is a type of meditation called guided imagery, the benefits of which are covered in this Mayo Clinic article. Guided imagery’s helpful impact on heart rate was tested in spaceflight simulations according to an article in BioMed Research International.)
Use your Breath
The breath is one of the more powerful and immediately accessible tools at our disposal. Just three to five minutes of deliberate breathing can make a huge difference in calming down your nervous system and helping you feel more grounded and calm, and able to think more clearly, and feel less fear or anxiety.
First, either sit down comfortably, and let your body sink into the chair, and your feet sink into the ground. If you’re feeling too much energy in your body to sit, stand up and feel the energy flow down through your legs and feet and into the ground that is supporting the weight of your body.
Second, follow this breathing practice: Inhale through your nose for a count of four or five, letting your lower belly expand. Pause your breathing for a second or two. Then exhale slowly through your mouth, pretending you are breathing through a small stirring straw, and trying to lengthen your breath and exhale for as long as you can. Try doing this for at least 10 breaths. You should feel some level of increased relaxation in your body.
(The journal Science published preliminary research in mice that starts to validate what a lot of traditions have been saying for a long time: breathing really helps. Other scientists have gathered proof of the technique’s power reports NPR. Here’s more info on the science of breath as reported by The New York Times and Psychology Today.)
Put the Plan to Use
Daily practice is your best option (doing two or three of these). The more ingrained these behaviors become, the stronger they are as tools in your coping tool belt, and the more effective they will be the day when you must call upon them. In a period where you’re feeling more stressed or fragile than usual, acknowledge that you’re slightly more vulnerable and carve our more time for self-care. If you can, do five of these techniques a day.
One of the things I’m interested in exploring in this space is how we can use our skill sets to acknowledge our needs, and then tend to our selves, so we can be grounded, and focused, and integrated as we move through our personal and professional lives. The self-care movement has had some interesting critiques in its recent revival, (see The New Yorker, and The Atlantic articles), but I don’t think this negates the need for a daily check in with the self–and a tending to our internal self. There are many conduits to connecting with the self, so my goal isn’t to be prescriptive, but to help each person assess their resources, and knowledge and then use their strengths and networks to improve their wellbeing and focus.
