Is there something you want to celebrate, mourn, think about communally, or notice in your life, but aren’t sure how to go about it? (Lots of meaningful life events go unacknowledged by us and our communities because they don’t fall within the valued and acknowledged cultural rites of passage.) This could be a change in relationship or career status, the diagnosis of a health condition, the loss of a friend or family member, or coming to terms with new understanding about your life’s course. If your usual strategies don’t feel quite sufficient, develop a personal ritual (regardless of your religious or atheist upbringing). Here’s how.
The dictionary definitions of ritual all include two parts and I’m going to add a third:
- Acts that have meaning
- Carried out in prescribed order
- With the right people present (my addition)
Steps to create a ritual?
Acts
This is the biggest piece of the equation. It imbues common activities with intention and power. What do you like to do? Which activities have meaning for you? Let’s say you wanted to mourn someone’s death, or the loss of a relationship. You could engage in acts of remembrance: recognize the many gifts of the relationship, what wisdom was passed down, what now lives in you because of your contact with this person. You could do this remembering by journaling, sharing pictures, playing a song, reading a meaningful poem or passage from a book, telling jokes, or sharing correspondence. You could summon friends and ask them to bring an object from a lost relationship. You could tell them to only bring snacks, or French food, or ice cream, because that is the food you associate with that relationship. Are you letting go or bringing something into your life? You could burn a candle, light some incense, mark an object.
Order
It’s important to have an opening and an ending in each ritual. Do you want the experience to be more active (say, involving dancing), or quieting–encouraging reflection, and maybe solitude? Do you want to move through different forms of celebration and remembrance? What three activities (or more) would be fun to do with the people with whom you will share this ritual?
The Right People
Do you want to do this alone, with a couple friends, or with a larger group? Which people in your life have the capacity to be playful, creative, thoughtful, quiet, or funny in the ways you’ll need to carry out your ritual? Think carefully about who would understand your need to engage in this activity. Consider what kind of support you’ll need and who is best suited to be that support through the ritual. Pick a day and time and invite those people over.
Bringing It All Together
I’m going to share two quick examples of rituals I have previously created and used.
When I was in college, I would mark the end of each semester (meaning the day I finished all my final exams) by taking the dried flowers that I had collected in my bedroom over the course of the semester and throwing them into a rushing river nearby. I would then go to the movies to know I was in celebratory mode (once I got to see Rocky and it felt particularly fitting), and then meet friends for one exhausted drink at a bar.
When I lost my French grandmother a couple of years ago, I was unable to travel back to France for her funeral. So I created a ritual of remembrance and invited friends over. I picked out music that made me think of her. I served some French food. I shared a poem read by Billy Collins that I thought she might appreciate. I showed pictures of her and her home, and my recent visits. I asked everyone present to bring an item that reminded them of their grandparents, and to be prepared to share a story about their grandparents. About 15 people came, and we told stories, and it was a very moving afternoon. Making time for this community ritual helped create some closure–I knew I had honored my grandmother’s memory, had marked the moment and created a new memory.
Why? I wrote this article because I often have conversations with clients where something important has happened to them, but it doesn’t fall within the bounds of activities that are typically commemorated through ritual. This doesn’t mean that a meaningful ritual can’t be created, and I encourage them to do so.