Many of my clients have been excruciatingly hurt, disappointed by, or taken advantage of by friends or partners. Understandably, they do not want to be vulnerable again and endure the possibility of pain and loss yet another time.
In my analysis, there are two major factors to consider when exploring how to rebuild trust towards other human beings. First, who are the people you have been inviting into your life–Are they healthy enough to participate in a sustained friendship or relationship? Second, how can you practice trust in a way that doesn’t overwhelm or scare you?
The people. When you struggle with aspects of your mental health you might tend to look for others who are as scarred, vulnerable, and sensitive as you are. It’s a type of being in the world that you recognize, and the connections and conversations can be fascinating. Those who suffer (for example with depression and anxiety) tend to be very thoughtful about the human condition and are able to engage in nuanced existential discussions. You may also enjoy engaging in reflections about life’s challenges. Like attracts like, and if you’ve struggled with connecting with others in the past, you might feel a rush of relief when you meet someone who can share what’s on their heart and all their suffering. Great friendships can be forged this way. However, you may sometimes be setting yourself up for some disappointment as well. It can be complex maintaining a long-term friendship between two people who suffer from periodic crises. Expectations might not be met, calls might not be returned, your best friend might suddenly disappear as they face their own challenges.
When I suggest that clients widen their casual friendship circles to include new people, perhaps those with less suffering in their lives, clients often reflect that people whom they perceive as having good mental health are boring. I then encourage them to try casually befriending a boring person as an experiment. You might never be best friends with that person, but that boring person might be more reliable and available. There may be less exciting intensity, less shared territory to reflect upon, but they might have more room in their lives for the sustained pursuit of hobbies, or other interests. I realize focusing on bringing a “boring” person into your life might sound counterintuitive, but I believe we can all learn from each other, from witnessing other styles of attaching and relating and trying to grow our skill sets and widen our group of friends.
How do you start building the trust that’s the basis for a friendship or romantic relationship? I suggest small trust experiments. Use your judgment as to who you would like to try to trust a little more, then once a day (or once a week), share 10% more truth than you would otherwise be willing to say. Don’t take big risks, but see how your truth experiment is received, if your truth is respected, cared for gently and reciprocated thoughtfully, or at least neutrally, then graduate on to slightly more truth in another experiment when you feel ready.
Other interesting articles about trust: