I was reflecting today with a client on the general lack of language in our culture for discussing the deep discomfort of depression, and its many shades of anguish. There’s not a lot of room, culturally speaking, for recognizing and caregiving for negative self states in either ourselves or our friends. American culture, to make a broad generalization, is all about “can-do” optimism, “pull-yourself up by the bootstraps”, “where there’s life there’s hope” and any number of other pithy sayings that don’t do much for reflecting the nuances of our life experience as humans.
I shared with my client that one of my favorite French expressions is having “le cafard” — which very literally means to have “the cockroach.” It’s used to express struggling with a depressed moment, so I translate it as “having the cockroach of the soul.” [If you refer to online dictionaries, they simplify the meaning and just say it translates to “I’m feeling down” which kind of misses some of the beauty.] It’s totally socially acceptable, in France, when someone you know asks you how you’re doing casually, for you to answer honestly: I have the cockroach.
And people will welcome you sharing the cockroach state of affairs in your soul. They’ll usually answer in kind, something along the lines of “I recently had the cockroach when X happened. It took a while for me to get over it.
In France, no one thinks any less of someone dealing with the cockroach of the soul. It’s understood as a passing state of affairs, that challenges your wellbeing, but with proper care, hot tea or coffee, and long conversations with loved ones, can be overcome in the course of time.
[I’ll concede that the cockroach state generally doesn’t correspond with crippling clinical depression or the inability to leave the bed or shower. However, I think the space for having open conversations about the struggle of life leaves more room for seeking support from your community when the downward slide starts to happen.]
I wish this somewhat pragmatic, somewhat more welcoming approach to the ups and downs of life were more commonplace in our U.S. culture, and that the requirement that we be sunny could abate somewhat. I think we would all be healthier for it. Certainly expecting acceptance when we shared our vulnerable moments with our friends might be a game changer for some.