Category: meaning

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Another Wave of COVID Grief Five Months In

Door open on mossy path
Door open on mossy path

In the last few weeks, my clients have started grieving COVID anew. Here in Philadelphia, we’re in a modified Green Phase, so we can eat outdoors at tables that stand six feet or more apart. In the city, we can theoretically do small outdoor gatherings of less than 50 people, but honestly, I’m not going anywhere near 50 people. Nor are my clients. We’re still pretty much in shut down mode. We shop for food every couple of weeks and that’s about it. We always wear masks outside the house, except inside our car. My clients report similar phenomena.

For my clients, acknowledging the pain and disappointment of the continuing precautions hurts. Whatever timelines we privately prepared for in March– this progress is slower and more ambiguous. In many ways, the reopening feels more painful and more complex than the closing, because everyone is navigating the new, looser rules with differing priorities, and differing assessments of acceptable risks. Now there is social stigma. We manage the emotional friction between those that continue to wear masks, per CDC guidelines, and those that don’t.

We grieve the understanding that this “Green Phase,” which feels far from normal, is the new “normal.” We’re still not seeing our friends and family with easy hearts. The calculus of who is at risk when we buy groceries endures. We’re still not engaging in the pleasures of travel and outings. Our innocence is stripped away. Seeing crowds on television shows brings out two feelings in me, “Oh my god, you lucky foods, you have no idea what’s coming. Your joy is such privilege” and “Dear lord that’s a superspreader event!” I feel like all my parts have battened down to endure this period of deprivation, of lack of community, of lack of human engagement. So now I ask, and I ask you to ask yourselves: Where is our joy?

Where can I find a sense that life is still a place of excitement and amazement? How do I connect with inner spaciousness? My connection to art and beauty, where has it gone?

It’s so easy to get swept up in my sense of duty and obligation, and to focus on the tasks, to focus on the work, instead of the human needs that have been shunted aside. So here are some considerations, as we hold another wave of grief and loss and the summer winds down:

Now that all plans are provisory, we still need to make plans to add lightness to our weeks. To comfort ourselves. What plans, what joys can we look forward to? My current plan in hatching is going to a drive-in cinema. My other plan in hatching is an evening run to the beach. What will your plan in hatching be?

I’ve switched from video calls (exhausting) to voice calls (intriguing) for keeping up with my friends. This also provides a nostalgia bonus–reminding me of hours wrapped along our long kitchen phone cord as a teenager. Community remains critical to our ability to feel engaged in our own lives and to reduce the isolation that comes with all the sacrifices we make during the COVID 19 pandemic. However you reinforce your sense of belonging, keep it up!

The most important change I’ve made is to check in with myself and consider my needs beyond my obligations. When I wake up in the morning, I ask myself, “What do I want to do for joy?” I then give myself an hour to write, or do whatever it is purely for my joy, my fun, my sense of an expansive self. My work self is critical but secondary.

Since I cannot go on vacation, I can save for vacation, and make a list of places to visit when I get the opportunity once again.

I’m no longer springing for gourmet take-out once a week, but I can enjoy mid-priced restaurants.

I’m eating more local produce and, in doing so, experiencing the seasons. I’m stocking my kitchen with the right tools for my frequent cooking efforts, and this improved kitchen environment lightens the load. My new cleaver can cut through anything, unapologetically.

My scope is shrinking, but in my better moments I like to think I am living more like a poet. Tuned into each moment, slow and aware, and full of gratitude.

I am in the process of completing Level 1 IFS Training and that has helped me reframe my experiences, to look at every moment through multiple eyes, multiple parts, and to realize no one part holds all the wisdom, life’s meaning lies in multiplicity. This means I am never all in despair and never all in hope. I lie in a grounded balance.

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Building Joy

little red boat in a cove

My therapist moved to Florida and the last bit of advice she gave me was to play more and seek out joy. The way I’m thinking about this advice, I should also be a touch less hardworking. One of the quality-of-life measures I instituted in 2019 was to have a slow start each day. I take my time in the morning, have coffee, eat something, take a shower, and only then look at my emails and to-do list. This is one of the ways I try to make time for myself, be more present, and rush less.

I’m anti resolution, but I am in favor of choosing what to bring into my life. So my 2020 wish is for joyfulness and playfulness. I’m still thinking about how to institute this (yes, I want a structured process for my unscheduled joy). I have a few ideas in no particular order. Spontaneity: I want to be more whimsical with my free time. Creativity: I want to write, draw, make, carve, decorate, or put something shiny on at least weekly. Newness: I want to try new things, go outside my comfort zone and enjoy being terrible at new things. Nature: I want to go outside more, ideally among trees, mountains, or near the sea. Art: I want to go see live performances, and exhibits at museums and galleries–I want to be inspired by the work of others. Movement (self explanatory). Community: continue to build my multiple communities. I will also continue doing the things that currently bring me joy: reading fiction, seeing friends, eating new foods.

What do you want to bring into your life in 2020? How can you think of it in terms of calling in joy instead of disapproving of your life of yore?

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Article: Science and the Many Paths to Healing

I love good science. I particularly love science when it gives me language and a good theoretical framework to support understanding of observable phenomena–and offers new paths to understanding. I’m so pleased I live in an age where brain/mind science and nervous system functioning are being so thoughtfully studied. It’s starting to provide some empirical evidence for stuff that, in other decades, might have seemed witchy or intuitive or wacky. Science tends to take a while to catch up to certain kinds of pre-existing wisdom, and then takes the credit for inventing concepts that  were known within wisdoms outside of mainstream medicine/science. One quick example off the top of my head–Cognitive Behavior Therapy is just a fancy name for certain kinds of ancient Greek philosophy and Buddhist mindfulness practices.

All this to say that I’m increasingly trusting the heart, the soul and the body, as well as each person’s creativity, to assist in the mind’s healing process. And also, that while we like to call it psychotherapy and talk about the mind and the unconscious, maybe the mind and the unconscious are fancy constructs (or other types of symbolic language) for heart, soul and body striving together towards unity and self understanding.

Or as my partner would put it, based on a recent Radiolab, if we knew enough about individual biology, we would be able to anticipate 100% of what a person would do (and there is no free will). I see free will working daily in therapy: I think the process of making changes away from your baseline–which is the whole project of psychotherapy–is free will at work. In sciency words: the system trying to re-regulate.

I actually think the biology argument is a silly way of thinking because 1) it’s a tautology–of course everything is a biochemical process at a certain level and yes, the right number of identifiable variables would yield predictive modeling of all human behavior (thank you Asimov for calling that one ahead of time). 2) That’s just one language for describing phenomena. The same way that I prefer to think and speak of traumatized nervous systems that are highly reactive instead of labeling language like a possible diagnosis of “Borderline Personality Disorder.” Both describe similar observable behavioral and physical activation phenomena. However, I much prefer the nervous system science version because it starts to de-stigmatize the experience of those that struggle with their lived experience.

I know I’ve wandered a bit off the map, but I wanted to share what has been on my mind.  Here’s my point, or points.

There’s very strong evidence of a powerful placebo effect for therapies people believe in–regardless of the therapy–with patients being able to assess a reportable decrease in physical symptoms (with more complicated questions about the biochemical basis of these reported experiences of healing. Here’s a fun article about a researcher on placebos at Harvard). This means that for some people a Chakra healer, or a crystal energy healer, or a tribal healer will transform their lives.

This belief in a healing system also helps predict whether psychotherapy will be of assistance to our clients. On a certain level psychotherapists are asking clients, “do you want to believe that I can help you?” The answer should be “yes” and that will help shape what psychologists call “the therapeutic alliance” according to the American Psychological Association‘s Education Directorate (fun name, right?).

If you think Chakra work is going to be integral to your healing process, you better work with a therapist that agrees with you. <<[Also, here’s a book that you would like.] Also, I am a therapist that agrees with you.

I’m writing this in support of those who wish to find healing in other domains, or in addition to the experience of psychotherapy.  Humans are complex, and the healing experiences we will need to move beyond or integrate damaging life experiences will vary as our own understanding of how we function expands or alters. In my case, my belief system was challenged in a wonderful way by deep healing through craniosacral therapy and I wrote about it here. (Here’s an article about the benefits of the therapy while you receive the therapy.)

I’m becoming a nervous system/brain structure nerd.

Other fun texts:

  • Think religion should be in the mix? Here’s a fun article about “spiritual intelligence” helping Iranian teens deal with depression and anxiety.
  • Reiki? (Article from PsychCentral)
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The lack of (English) language for existential unease

I was reflecting today with a client on the general lack of language in our culture for discussing the deep discomfort of depression, and its many shades of anguish. There’s not a lot of room, culturally speaking, for recognizing and caregiving for negative self states in either ourselves or our friends. American culture, to make a broad generalization, is all about “can-do” optimism, “pull-yourself up by the bootstraps”, “where there’s life there’s hope” and any number of other pithy sayings that don’t do much for reflecting the nuances of our life experience as humans.

I shared with my client that one of my favorite French expressions is having “le cafard” — which very literally means to have “the cockroach.” It’s used to express struggling with a depressed moment, so I translate it as “having the cockroach of the soul.” [If you refer to online dictionaries, they simplify the meaning and just say it translates to “I’m feeling down” which kind of misses some of the beauty.] It’s totally socially acceptable, in France, when someone you know asks you how you’re doing casually, for you to answer honestly: I have the cockroach.

And people will welcome you sharing the cockroach state of affairs in your soul. They’ll usually answer in kind, something along the lines of “I recently had the cockroach when X happened. It took a while for me to get over it.

In France, no one thinks any less of someone dealing with the cockroach of the soul.  It’s understood as a passing state of affairs, that challenges your wellbeing, but with proper care, hot tea or coffee, and long conversations with loved ones, can be overcome in the course of time.

[I’ll concede that the cockroach state generally doesn’t correspond with crippling clinical depression or the inability to leave the bed or shower. However, I think the space for having open conversations about the struggle of life leaves more room for seeking support from your community when the downward slide starts to happen.]

I wish this somewhat pragmatic, somewhat more welcoming approach to the ups and downs of life were more commonplace in our U.S. culture, and that the requirement that we be sunny could abate somewhat. I think we would all be healthier for it.  Certainly expecting acceptance when we shared our vulnerable moments with our friends might be a game changer for some.

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Treating the Whole Person In Psychotherapy

I’ve been really happy with some of the work I’ve been doing with clients lately and the frameworks I’m using in psychotherapy. I’m realizing that I have a really nice toolbox to work with a variety of different aspects of the human experience. As someone who only feels comfortable when I feel I’ve reached a level of mastery, and someone interested in continuous learning and growth, I’m feeling very lucky about having become a psychotherapist at this particular time in the field.

We’re able to do a lot of really interesting connecting the dots between psychotherapy, the human experience and brain (and other) science–for example Siegel’s notion of interpersonal neurobiology (which makes intuitive and professional sense to me)  For example, we already knew that people who have experienced trauma have challenges relating to regulating their nervous systems, and the nervous system’s impacts on their experiences of their brains and bodies. But, more and more, we know why, and we also know ways of providing significant healing experiences at a client’s pace. I’m thinking primarily here of both Brainspotting and Somatic Experiencing, each of which offer approaches that don’t rely on a patient’s ability to communicate using words.

This is a relief for me as a therapist, because I believe that knowledge/feelings/memories are sometimes stored in the brain and body in ways we can’t access with language and conscious thought. We can now do work directly with the nervous system via the body, and with memories via the visual field and the brain/mind. I deeply believe (based on my own life experience, and my experience as a clinician of observing my clients’ bodies during therapy) that as we work to integrate all knowledge about self-regulation and reworking negative experiences, therapists will increasingly treat the whole person. Bringing the unconscious into light and discussing drives, motives and past experiences is necessary and important work, but only part of the puzzle.

I’m really happy to say that I feel increasingly comfortable working with the following different aspects of people’s human experience to help clients. In my case this includes using some of the following approaches/strategies to inform my work:

  • For concrete assistance with improving client behavioral strategies and negative thinking: CBT.
  • For reducing overall distress/anxiety: Deep breathing, relaxation methods like progressive muscle relaxation and mindfulness exercises.
  • For insight: Object relations theory, narrative therapy, relational therapy.
  • For traumatic memories: Brainspotting.
  • For difficult body sensations: Sensorimotor Experiencing.
  • For understanding motivation for changing challenging behaviors/managing ambivalence: Motivational Interviewing.

I’m also a feminist therapist, and I use critical race theory to understand the more damaging aspects of how power works and replicates itself in our society’s functioning. These are also tools for considering the language we use to discuss the “isms” that permeate our lives.

There’s more, but this is a good start. In short, I believe in treating the whole person and helping people develop better coping strategies, experience more positivity in their lives, gain greater peace with their thoughts and bodies, and (of course) gain insights around patterns in their lives and how those patterns were inspired by history and personality.

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Article: Creating Meaning & Healing Personal Rituals

Is there something you want to celebrate, mourn, think about communally, or notice in your life, but aren’t sure how to go about it? (Lots of meaningful life events go unacknowledged by us and our communities because they don’t fall within the valued and acknowledged cultural rites of passage.) This could be a change in relationship or career status,  the diagnosis of a health condition, the loss of a friend or family member, or coming to terms with new understanding about your life’s course. If your usual strategies don’t feel quite sufficient, develop a personal ritual (regardless of your religious or atheist upbringing). Here’s how.

The dictionary definitions of ritual all include two parts and I’m going to add a third:

  1. Acts that have meaning
  2. Carried out in prescribed order
  3. With the right people present (my addition)

Steps to create a ritual?

Acts

This is the biggest piece of the equation. It imbues common activities with intention and power. What do you like to do? Which activities have meaning for you? Let’s say you wanted to mourn someone’s death, or the loss of a relationship. You could engage in acts of remembrance: recognize the many gifts of the relationship, what wisdom was passed down, what now lives in you because of your contact with this person. You could do this remembering by journaling, sharing pictures, playing a song, reading a meaningful poem or passage from a book, telling jokes, or sharing correspondence. You could summon friends and ask them to bring an object from a lost relationship. You could tell them to only bring snacks, or French food, or ice cream, because that is the food you associate with that relationship. Are you letting go or bringing something into your life? You could burn a candle, light some incense, mark an object.

Order

It’s important to have an opening and an ending in each ritual. Do you want the experience to be more active (say, involving dancing), or quieting–encouraging reflection, and maybe solitude? Do you want to move through different forms of celebration and remembrance? What three activities (or more) would be fun to do with the people with whom you will share this ritual?

The Right People

Do you want to do this alone, with a couple friends, or with a larger group? Which people in your life have the capacity to be playful, creative, thoughtful, quiet, or funny in the ways you’ll need to carry out your ritual?  Think carefully about who would understand your need to engage in this activity. Consider what kind of support you’ll need and who is best suited to be that support through the ritual. Pick a day and time and invite those people over.

Bringing It All Together

I’m going to share two quick examples of rituals I have previously created and used.

When I was in college, I would mark the end of each semester (meaning the day I finished all my final exams) by taking the dried flowers that I had collected in my bedroom over the course of the semester and throwing them into a rushing river nearby. I would then go to the movies to know I was in celebratory mode (once I got to see Rocky and it felt particularly fitting), and then meet friends for one exhausted drink at a bar.

When I lost my French grandmother a couple of years ago, I was unable to travel back to France for her funeral. So I created a ritual of remembrance and invited friends over. I picked out music that made me think of her. I served some French food. I shared a poem read by Billy Collins that I thought she might appreciate. I showed pictures of her and her home, and my recent visits. I asked everyone present to bring an item that reminded them of their grandparents, and to be prepared to share a story about their grandparents. About 15 people came, and we told stories, and it was a very moving afternoon.  Making time for this community ritual helped create some closure–I knew I had honored my grandmother’s memory, had marked the moment and created a new memory.

Why? I wrote this article because I often have conversations with clients where something important has happened to them, but it doesn’t fall within the bounds of activities that are typically commemorated through ritual. This doesn’t mean that a meaningful ritual can’t be created, and I encourage them to do so.

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Article: Aligning Time and Values

Magnolia Tree in Bloom at Night

One way to feel greater meaning in your life is to consider what your priorities are, and where you want to spend your time and effort.

The first question you should ask yourself is: What parts of your life to do you want to focus on and grow at this time?

The second big question is: Is the way you are spending time aligned with your wishes and priorities?

The third question is: What future are you building? What seeds are you sowing and what will you reap in 5 or ten years from today’s efforts? Are you moving in the direction of your dreams? (These questions I learned from my mentor: Caroline “Alex” Robboy at the Center for Growth.)

There’s an easy way to assess the first and second questions. It involves creating two homemade pie charts. One for the way you wish you spent your time. One for the way you actually spend your time.

  • First, write down in a list the parts of your life you care most about (for example: family, friends, career, travel, culinary adventure), then write down things you have to do or are very likely to do (for example: work, sleep, chores, gym time, goofing off with your phone, watching tv).
  • How many hours a week would you ideally like to spend on each of these categories? Write the ideal number of hours you would like to spend on each of these parts of your life next to each category.
  • Copy your list of the parts of your life a second time. Then either formally track your time for a week, or guess approximately how many hours a week you actually spend in each category.
  • Then you do some math. (Here’s a quick model to make it easy). Start with how you actually use your time. For example, there are 168 hours in a week (7X24). If you typically sleep 7 hours a night, that means 7 hours of sleep nightly multiplied by 7 nights a week (7×7)=49 hours a week of sleep. 49 hours a week of sleep divided by 168 hours in a week (49/168)=0.29 or 29% of your week spent sleeping. You can do this for every category. Tip:  25% (or a quarter of your week) is the pie divided in four slices. You can then hand draw your Actual Time Used pie chart, making the slices approximately bigger or smaller than 25%. (Do this process again to build a Desired Time Use pie chart.)

Compare your Actual Time Used pie chart with your Desired Time Use pie chart. Are there any differences? Any places you could cut back? (Less YouTube time, perhaps?) Any places you should increase your time spent? You might be doing the best you can with a lot of different constraints and obligations. However, might you be over-committed? Is every volunteer activity absolutely necessary? Can you reduce any of your commitments. Can you set aside a goal and pick it up again in six months?  (In my case, I try to limit the number of therapy-related activities to one or less per weekend.)

This sort of approach is often used in business literature, but I think it clearly applies to exploring our personal values and priorities as well, and making sense of our life in the broadest sense, and maybe changing how we define success. We’re all constantly moving through both time and space, but I believe we get the most satisfaction when we’re using our time with intent and consideration for our authentic self (the person you allow yourself to be when you do what you love or spend time with people who bring you joy.) Whether you get joy from quiet time alone, or from busy time with friends, give yourself the gift of joy.

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Article: Finding Support When your Support Network Is Limited

Ecola State Park, OR

There are times in life when you have a smaller support network than you would like: Few people to call upon when we want a listening ear or to spend time with someone with a caring attitude. (Maybe it’s 3am. Maybe you’ve just moved to a new town, or there’s been losses in your life.) In this article, I provide suggestions for managing those times of undesired isolation. There are still ways of caring for yourself when you are on your own.

Open your heart:  What type of videos make your face break into smiles, laughter or get your heart to melt?  (I’m a big fan of comedy specials, amusing bloopers, or adorable baby animal videos.) Go watch those videos now.

Relax: There are countless relaxation and mindfulness apps for phones, and relaxation videos on YouTube. There are are also many websites with free relaxation and meditation tips. The UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center offers free guided meditation audio files of various lengths in English and Espagnol. According to Informed Med Online, certain types of relaxation practices, like progressive muscle relaxation have been shown offer some relief from mild and moderate depression, but are not as effective as cognitive behavioral therapy. However, this is a reasonable option when you aren’t yet receiving any treatment.

Laugh. Read a funny book. Watch your favorite comedy: Movie, sit-com, comedy special, whatever will get you to laugh again. Laughter brings perspective and can help shift your mood. (According to the Mayo Clinic, laughter has many health benefits, including lessening depression and anxiety.)

Gain inspiration or learn something:  Watch a TED Talk on a topic of interest. Listen to a thoughtful podcast. Catch up with your favorite radio show. I love This American Life and RadioLab for offering surprising insights. Research quotes by an inspiring historical figure. Reach for a favorite memoir or religious text. I’m a big fan of writer Anne Lamott for combining humor, insight and humility in her books  about faith. New knowledge can be a gateway for a restored sense of hope in humanity. According to the the UK’s National Health Service, continuing to learn new things can improve self-esteem and help build a sense of purpose–the more active the learning the better.

Pray. Sometimes connecting to your spiritual side or a higher power can help provide a feeling or connection or relief, and re-estabish hope. According to the International Journal of Psychiatry Medicine, there’s some preliminary evidence that prayer can help reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression.

Do something nice for your body. Take a bubble bath, or a long hot shower. Go for a walk. Have a dance party in your living room. Put on your favorite outfit. Moving your body can help shift your focus to the here and now and there have been several studies showing the benefits of exercise for reducing symptoms of depression and anxiety.

If you think you might be depressed, here is great information on signs, treatment options, and support for depression from the National Institute of Mental Health and from the University of Texas Counseling and Mental Health Center.  If you are having thoughts of suicide, please call the 24-hour, toll-free confidential National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (1-800-273-TALK) or go to www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org. If you fear you are about to take action, please call 911 or go to the nearest ER.

If you are a friend or family member concerned for someone you know, here’s a very helpful Depression Toolkit from the University of Michigan’s Depression Center.

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Thinking about Self-Care

One of the things I’m interested in exploring in this space is how we can use our skill sets to acknowledge our needs, and then tend to our selves, so we can be grounded, and focused, and integrated as we move through our personal and professional lives. The self-care movement has had some interesting critiques in its recent revival, (see The New Yorker, and The Atlantic articles), but I don’t think this negates the need for a daily check in with the self–and a tending to our internal self. There are many conduits to connecting with the self, so my goal isn’t to be prescriptive, but to help each person assess their resources, and knowledge and then use their strengths and networks to improve their wellbeing and focus.